Post by Lunabella on Apr 6, 2012 0:16:35 GMT -5
She looked out of her window like she did every time she was alone with her thoughts. She was alone, and althought it was the one this she was most fearful of, it was also her one blessing. She was dead inside. She potrayed what "normal" people expected her to portray. Happiness. Saddness. Anger. She portrayed the emotion flawlessly. But she desided to stop lying to everyone.
How can one portray something they no longer allow themselves to feel?
She was hurt to many times. Although she was able to trust those few that she did, she could never reveil everything, especially to a male. If she did she knew what was in store for her. She would feel again and be reminded of everything she attempted to repress. Worse yet, she would begin to trust again. Trust lead to likeing which lead to crushing on. And that always hurt her even more.
She knows this, yet once again she is tempted to trust once more.
She trusted HIM too. HE hurt her in every way possible when she was a child.
Then she truseted another two, and they also hurt her.
She didn't understand why she trusted the wrong people so many times. She didn't understand why people were not like her. She would help anyone. She would do just about anything needed to make a person feel better. Yet she was always hurt. Always in the dark as to why she was such a target although she never did anything to wrong these people.
There was always pain. she knew that. she was familiar with it. She knew so many ways to repress it. To hide everything.
The rape, the emotional difficulties she faced with how her family was raised, being raped again. The abandoment. He giving up on all of her hopes and dreams. Everyone pushing to do something better.
Expectations are high from her entire family. She knows what needs to be done and it will get done. It always does.
Yet she cannot believe in anything. Not religion, not emotion, not people and not herself. Mentally she is there. Emotionally she has died many years ago.
Yet as she looks out the window at the clear night sky as she freezes, why is there tears escaping her eyes?
How can one portray something they no longer allow themselves to feel?
She was hurt to many times. Although she was able to trust those few that she did, she could never reveil everything, especially to a male. If she did she knew what was in store for her. She would feel again and be reminded of everything she attempted to repress. Worse yet, she would begin to trust again. Trust lead to likeing which lead to crushing on. And that always hurt her even more.
She knows this, yet once again she is tempted to trust once more.
She trusted HIM too. HE hurt her in every way possible when she was a child.
Then she truseted another two, and they also hurt her.
She didn't understand why she trusted the wrong people so many times. She didn't understand why people were not like her. She would help anyone. She would do just about anything needed to make a person feel better. Yet she was always hurt. Always in the dark as to why she was such a target although she never did anything to wrong these people.
There was always pain. she knew that. she was familiar with it. She knew so many ways to repress it. To hide everything.
The rape, the emotional difficulties she faced with how her family was raised, being raped again. The abandoment. He giving up on all of her hopes and dreams. Everyone pushing to do something better.
Expectations are high from her entire family. She knows what needs to be done and it will get done. It always does.
Yet she cannot believe in anything. Not religion, not emotion, not people and not herself. Mentally she is there. Emotionally she has died many years ago.
Yet as she looks out the window at the clear night sky as she freezes, why is there tears escaping her eyes?